I have already written that traveling is changing and processes are starting. But that’s not going to be pleasant, not many mention something like that.
Maybe I have too much time, but a few weeks ago I was struggling with depressive moods. Now everyone is wondering why, because she has everything that many people dream of. But I do not know. Of course, I ask myself exactly the same question. Do you ever know that exactly when it pulls you down? Often there are the next development steps that need to be worked out.
I’m haphazard, in a bad mood, close to tears. I’ve got something all the time: migraine, diarrhea, fatigue, dizziness, … Question all: “Do I want this trip anyway? Or do I just want to be somewhere else? Should I look for a job again to have a “real” job? Soon I will die. I am 50. It cannot take much longer. … “The fear of death is great, the desire to be used also. And I want to please anyway. Yes, I admit it, even if it is not easy.
Above all, the mood gets bad. We laugh just a little, I always look out of the window. With me is little to start, at best, dispute. I hardly do yoga anymore and do not meditate. The spiral turns down … During this time, I do not make it easy for Oliver.
Then I miss my friends, who often provide spark in discussions and open new thoughts. These conversations are different than with your own husband. I miss my family. I miss the familiar, the experienced. And therefore, the control …
I think a lot about Mama, who passed away last April. To being safe, to being lifted up, to the home that nobody and nothing can replace and that now belongs to someone else. Mommy’s familiar gestures, her face, her hands, her index finger that looked so much like mine. Everything gone. That hurts extremely. Maybe now that we’re really on the road, I really do not have anything “important” to do and cannot even spend days on the internet, the time has come to really make that happen. Maybe that’s what hurts so much. If I concentrate on it, it’s like a shock. A feeling over the belly creeps into the heart, which calls the self-preservation instinct to the scene. It hurts so much. Just before the feeling that it could become unbearable, I keep distracting, because I think that I cannot stand it.
At the same time, I treat my brain. What is it that makes me so unhappy, even driven? I feel stress, my eye twitches, my migraine is concentrated on poor eyesight, which pretty much hampers me and knocked me out of life. That in turn makes it even worse because I’m worried about my health and I’m supposed to be fine, by force, because I have to be fine, because I have everything I want and need, and much more, and me I’m on a world tour, our big dream.
And yet … something is wrong. Why am I unhappy?
Instead of questioning the brain, I should rather go into my heart. I know that, but I’m really against it. It’s like a self-destructive force in me that denies me all those things that are good for me and that would get me back on track in no time.
Everything is fine, nothing remains open to wishes and yet. How schizophrenic is that? Our whole life we projected our life into the future. If I have more money, if I am older, if I can afford this or that, if I have the right job, if I have more time, etc. These are excuses in these moments, not to live in the present. I know that. Because we cannot live. We not allow it to ourselves. We never learned it. Now I could live and I cannot. Our parents have not learned it, even less, and I am so sorry for that. And so, they could not teach us.
I have the great privilege to live as early as possible, at 50, as many wish and plan, thanks to Oliver. Who can do that? Unfortunately, it does not make it any easier. Maybe in the short term even worse, because you could do so much and the classic “depriphase” after the job occurs earlier. So, I see the journey as an “accelerator”. On the other hand, I might ask myself the same questions at the age of 67, and then learn with much less left-over time and do and enjoy beautiful things. The step and the time before us or me is difficult, because I really want to do something that has my meaning in life as a basis. But what is it?
Prem Baba once said: “What do you all want here in India? Looking for the meaning of life? Become a guru to be important? Go home to your families and your work and live. Just live. Do not ask so many questions, because everything you do is right and good.”
Maybe even the not so nice travel times make me sad when you’re in traffic jams, only dust, smells and sees when the villages are so poor that it hurts. If you only notice plastic on the roadside. If you see dozens of stray dogs on the street every day that are completely emaciated and matted. If the body sticks and dirty five minutes after the shower, as if you have not washed for two weeks. If the retreat cave, my sanctuary, our interior, is so sandy and dirty that you could howl. If I do not know what to cook anymore due to the offered food, to have a little variety. Because not every day you experience photo agency ready pictures in reality.
Yoga and meditation have taught me a lot and have changed my life. But I have not yet found the answer to my questions. I know that these techniques bring me closer to the answer and yet I am impatient, complaining that I am “learning too slowly”, would like to progress faster. But this decision is not on me.
Here is one matching quote, also from Prem Baba:
“In order to expand our consciousness and immerse ourselves in the ocean of bliss of love, we must go beyond fear and learn to deal with frustration. Dealing with frustration means dealing with loss and disappointment – accepting the game of life. Therefore, we must free ourselves from the controlling perfectionist and the unruly creature that lives in us. The stubborn we are, the more life hits our faces. These slaps are a blessing. They are a manifestation of divine mercy, giving us the opportunity to go beyond the little self and beyond fear. ”
Why do I share that? I agree because maybe it affects a lot of people because you encouraged me to write stuff like that every once in a while, and because I’ve found out that among the travelers, everything is always “great and perfect”. Of course, we should not moan in our “happy and privileged” situation. And I know that’s not the case, because sometimes someone opens up …